bangkok '24: 'cause this time, love, we're gonna get it right
song on repeat: The Loneliest Time by Carly Rae Jepsen feat. Rufus Wainwright
for Sony, my wombmate, with all my emotion and dedication
I’ll love you — in the loneliest and the loveliest times — forever.
After five years apart, I couldn’t believe I was about to see Sony again.
April 10, 10:01pm
Mel: WE ARE SLEEPING UNDER THE SAME MOON TONIGHT
April 10, 10:14pm
Sony: Always under the same moon 💖
I immediately cried when we saw each other. Five years since we last saw each other in real life, and seven years since we were in Bangkok together, and nothing has changed. Isn’t it beautiful to be able to pick up where you left off?
Sony still remembers my favourite vegetable dish, and surprised me with it during lunch. Each strand of water spinach is so vibrantly verdant, each slice of chilli pepper fiery hot, each clove of garlic is golden-browned to perfection. (I’m hungry just looking at this photo.)
At Sony’s workplace, I spotted a corner that prompted me to reflect — what makes you happy? My heart swelled as I read each response, and took no time to write my own.
And almost immediately, as we left work, I spotted: two neighbouring buildings, with punchy-sweet colours that remind me of ice cream in the summertime.
I see these buildings and dream up scoops of tart-sweet raspberry, earthy-bright spruce tips, zingy-bright lemon. It brings me back to the summers we shared right after graduation, where the air tasted of endless possibilities. We didn’t know it then — because even the mere suggestion of it was unthinkable! — but it wouldn’t last.
I was raised on the promise that everything happens for a reason. To this day, I’m captivated by the romance of inexplicable, sparkling encounters with people I feel instantly soul-bonded to. Encounters that could only be described as destiny, perhaps; if I hadn’t — then maybe you would’ve — and then we would never have met — but I did — and you didn’t — and now here we are, together. Encounters with people that leave my heart sighing in relief, finally, it’s you.
Like Carly Rae Jepsen once sang, before you came into my life, I missed you so bad.
I believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that Sony and I were destined to meet ten years ago.
But if I’m so certain that Sony and I were destined to meet all those years ago, does that mean we were also destined to be separated? Like two ships in the vast ocean, sailing together only briefly before we inevitably had to part ways?
a small aside: snapshots of a typical day in our (past) lives
two photos taken, 1 hour and 11 minutes apart, on April 19, 2019
I’d probably just caught these flowers on the walk over to his place, and we would’ve just grabbed bubble tea from the cafe in his building. I don’t remember where we were headed, but I remember stopping him to compliment the colours in his outfit, and taking a ton of photos. (Yes, catching and documenting colours has always been a part of my life.)
The last summer we shared together, I remember I was buzzing with stress; over a hot-and-cold crush (for reference, Mitski had just released Be The Cowboy), an unpaid internship, designing three shows at the same time, and looking after ten children backstage. Sony and I would meet up late at night after his shift at the ice cream shop and we’d share heart-to-hearts over congee and noodles.
Like Taylor Swift once sang, we were happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.
I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self that none of it mattered. That an emotionally healthy lover wouldn’t leave you hanging. That no job was worth sacrificing your mental and physical wellbeing. That the only thing that matters is these precious moments with your friends. Life is so fleeting and so surprising. You really have to grasp every second with your loved ones — because who knows how long you’ll have to go without holding them in your arms again?
Punctuated with pointy purple petals, these green lotus leaves remind me of cupped hands, ready to receive the promise of rainwater and sunlight. So lusciously, luminously green. Green — the colour I think of when I think of a love that renews and replenishes, a love that blooms after growing through something painful — the creation that comes after destruction.
I still believe in destiny, but not in a fatalistic “everything’s been predetermined and there’s nothing you can do about it” way. I believe our choices lead us to our destinies, like the constantly unfurling branches of a tree, like dialogue options in a video game, like the choose-your-own adventure novels I devoured as a child.
My life is full of magic, love, and joy because I choose it, every single day.
I’m creating magic, believing in love, and finding joy everyday like devotion, like a discipline I turn to every single day. I’m sprouting hope like prayers, to bring the colours I see in my dreams manifest into reality.
These rainbow pompoms and tassels are so joyful, kind of like static jellyfish rising up in the air (I know what you think I’m thinking — yes, these would make perfect earrings)! We were already running a teensy bit late for dinner, but Sony insisted I snap photos of this installation right there and then instead of waiting until after we ate. And it was a good thing we made the decision to linger and be late, because we ended up taking a different route back home!
April 12, 6:58pm
Sony: yesterday felt so real, also felt so much like a dream
April 12, 7:55pm
Mel: i feel the same way!! i woke up today thinking wow was yesterday a dream?
(I saw this yellow in my dreams a week or so prior, and now here it is, in my hands!)
Isn’t it beautiful that magic will transcend oceans, continents, time? Isn’t it beautiful that love will continue to grow, if you let it, if you trust it, if you nurture it?
I choose to love you, across time and space, every day of my life. I will always find my way back to you, however long it takes. The time we’ve spent / are spending / will be spending together, is precious — and I’m reminded of that everyday — so I’ll hold you even tighter. Until I see you again.
“You see this goblet?” asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. “For me, this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”
from Thoughts Without a Thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist Perspective by Mark Epstein